I still remember her...

It has been over 30 years since I lost her. Maybe it was because I was young when she left or maybe it was because we didn't get to say goodbye. I don't think I could have said goodbye. Her friends and neighbors called her Ruth. I called her Grandma. 

Yesterday, as I made a side dish for our lunch, I was filled with memories of her. They continued throughout the day. As I processed what to write about this weekend, I didn't feel settled about the topic I had chosen. So, I waited. As I woke this morning, I knew this was the post for the week. It is probably more for me than you, but I hope my memories will stir memories for you and your loved ones.

The dish I made was fresh asparagus with a cream sauce. I remember her making it and how delicious it tasted. I think for me the best part was the butter and black pepper she would put on it just before serving. Thankfully, my mom knew how she made it and so as I got older she taught me. However, I seem to remember my Grandma making it more than mom. A lot of time as passed since then, so I could be confused. However, yesterday, when I lifted the lid to see if the butter had melted, I was taken back in time. 

She was the type Grandmother you picture in a Norman Rockwell painting. She wore her hair up in a bun and little heeled shoes. She always seemed to wear an apron as well. I still bake her Christmas cookies each Christmas. But that wasn't what made her special. What made her special to me was, no matter what time of day, no matter what she was doing the world stopped for a few minutes, whenever I stopped by. I know some times she had things that needed to be done, but that didn't matter, I had come and so she stopped what she was doing. She was always smiling and laughing. She gave the best hugs and with a height of 4 ft 11 inches, she had a way of making me feel so tall, even at my young age. She would ask how my day was and how I was doing. She genuinely cared what my answer was too. She would look through my sticker books like they were an art exhibit. She would  play games with me and never seemed to tire of them.We would play go fish and Chinese checkers. If she had work that needed done, she would include me in them and make them fun. I remember helping lay out fabric squares for hours as she would tell me what the pattern for her next quilt was going to look like. When the garden produced its veggies, I would sit on her porch and help shell and husk all the goodies. It didn't seem like work at all, because I was with her. She had a tin in her kitchen that held M&M candies. She would get a little cup off the shelf and fill it for me. I hardly remember a time that there wasn't candy in that tin. How she knew to keep it filled for the grandkids, I will never know. 

There is a secret not many people know about her that I have never forgotten. It was just between her and I. I had a bad habit. I would chew my fingernails. Now, others knew I did this, but what they didn't know was she told me that if I stopped chewing my nails, she would buy me a doll. It was a habit I wanted to quit, but try as I may I would go a few days and then I would be right back at it. I had time to quit and I would get the doll, I just wasn't ready. 

Then one day the call came. She was taken to the hospital with a heart attack. As I said, I was young, and I don't remember how long she was in the hospital, but I remember it wasn't good, and we weren't sure she would be coming home. My parents had left one evening to visit her in the hospital and I was in the barn helping my siblings with the barn chores. The phone rang and I quickly ran to answer it because for as long as I can remember, I have loved the telephone. I would always race to the phone. It was a day, I wished someone else would have answered. My grandfather was on the other end of the line and he simply said, "she is gone". His world changed that day, more than mine, for he lost the love of his life. They were a team. His partner had gone before him. He truly was never the same after that day. I know he had health issues that later led to his death, but I also feel he died of a broken heart. My world changed too. I didn't really understand death. I didn't know what would be next. I knew that with being the youngest, I would follow the others lead. I remember sitting in the service and thinking what if I forget what she looks like. What if I can't remember all the fun times we had. You see, I was the youngest and a bit further behind with my siblings. They were busy, and dad and mom, while I felt so loved and cared for, had many things to do. Grandma, she could stop what she was doing and give me time. I was in good hands when they were busy and working hard. 

Months after her death, I looked down at my  hands one day. My nails were growing! You see, after her death, the desire or need to chew my nails were gone. I simply couldn't do it anymore. All these years later, I still can't do it. I never got the doll, but it was my doings not hers. 

Back to yesterday and my afternoon. As I looked at the asparagus and prepared it and then enjoyed every bite, I was reminded that I still remember her. I worried I would forget. I worried life would move on and I wouldn't remember her. But you know, I love counted cross-stitch and I love knitting. She was great at needlework and I think we would have had fun comparing patterns and showing each other our finished projects. The wildflowers I speak of in other blogs, will soon start blooming and I remember walking with her to check on them. You can usually find M&M's in my house if you look in the cupboard. She also taught me a lesson in life that I hope to pass to my children and grandchildren. It is to know what it feels like to put others before yourself. I never heard her yell or complain. She left this world too soon for me, but right on time for God. He was ready for her and so it was time. But I also have the hope I will see her some day. I have read in books of people going to heaven and then coming back. I will not debate them here, I will not say they are true or untrue, that is not for me to say. But a common theme they have is, they were met by loved ones that passed before them. I think she will be first in line to greet me. I missed her at my graduation, I missed her at my wedding, I missed her when I had our twin daughters. I miss her when I drive past the house she once called home. I missed her when I started getting chickens and gathering eggs. I still have her basket that she once used for eggs with her chickens. But I am not sad, I am happy that she passed some wonderful things onto me with the time we had together. I tried to list only a few. With time, I realized long ago, that even though I missed her greatly, she was way better off in Heaven, than here on earth. I just didn't want to see her gone. I wanted her a bit longer.  I will see her some day. God's Word promises me that. I know she loved Him and believed in Him. So we will be together in heaven, along with all the others who have made the same choice she and I have made. The world called her Ruth. I called her grandma. And, I still remember her.